She'll be three!

   Today I had an extravaganza with the cutest little girl I've ever seen...My niece. Her birthday is in April but I decided to do a day for just me and her. I can't believe she'll be three!
  
   First, we went to Discovery Gateway for about an hour and a half. She had a great time playing in the little ball play area and with the little toy bikes and cars the kids could ride in. I had my sister's camera with me to take tons of pictures but the batteries died right as I put the film in (I know, I know, I need to go digital). After that we went to Gymboree to get her some cool new sunglasses (because I was wearing mine). She was SO excited about going somewhere to get shoes! She's such a little diva. We went to Smith's Marketplace and got her a new skirt, shirt, and shoes. We decided that we needed to get Dylan a toy too so we got him an Iron man toy and Vangie got a Dora the Explorer phone. We met up with Dylan, Grandma, Grandpa, and Tyler at McDonald's so the kids could eat and play together before we went to our last (and spontaneous) stop of the day. We dropped Dylan back off at home and went to Cookie Cutters. We had them trim a little hair off the ends and give her some bangs (so her hair isn't always in her face) and got her a manicure. We had a great time!

   I love spending time with my niece and nephew. I especially love knowing how much they love me. I feel so great knowing that they get excited to see me. I love that they run at me every time I come to see them. I enjoy seeing them smile from ear to ear after I've done something nice for them. Every time I bought Vangie something today she always said thank you. I love that she's my little clone. Everything I do she does, and everything I say she says. Just like the sunglasses. I put my sunglasses on so she had to. Its so cute! I love how possessive they are of me. They don't like sharing their Aunt Kyla with anyone else. It makes me smile.  I guess I just feel bad that other people don't give them the attention or love they deserve. They are often over-looked and not thought about by people that should be thinking about them and caring about them. I don't understand how anyone could treat them the way that others have. I can't stand how unfair others are to them. It makes me so angry that others place them last in their lives...I guess I'm just an awesome aunt. I know I am because I'm their favorite :D I love MY niece and nephew.

I am Nava

   The past couple of months have had a lot of good times and hard times, but at this moment I can look back on these past months and honestly say the good outweighs the bad by far. Not many people can say that after having weeks of unchanging stress and frustration but what made those months bearable is being a part of the production that we put on last night. My stake relief society president, Mariana, called me in December saying that she knew I played piano but didn't know if I sang. Of course not thinking about it I said yes. She told me that in March she was putting on a play of the 10 Virgins and would like me to take a roll in the production. I told her I was an alto and that I would love to prepare for the roll she would provide for me. A few minutes after hanging up I started to feel panic and a little bit of regret. I've never been on a stage delivering lines and singing solos to an audience before. What did I get myself into!?

   After receiving a CD with songs from the production on it and my own music, I got a call from Laurie, our director, that we were going to have our first practice to learn our parts a little bit. The first time meeting the other women in the production was a little awkward to me. I didn't really know any of them and didn't know how to connect, but as we came to practice with one another more and more over the next couple of months I really started growing closer to these women. They always made me leave practice laughing or with a smile on my face. Finally it came time to get props, costumes, etc... and panic really started to sink in. I didn't have my lines or my song memorized! But somehow they all seemed to make me feel that I would be great and just to pray; things will come to you as you diligently prepare (One of my lines).

   With each passing practice I began to feel closer and closer to my character. She knows that there are greater and more important things in life, she's just a little absent minded. She would have brought the oil if she would've taken the time to think it through first. As I fell more and more into my character and see the others come to life as well I really did start feeling that these women were my sisters. I cried at Jessa's song. The way Shirley sang and put her heart into each word, moved me very much. I was really happy to be picked to be a part of this production.

   As dress rehearsal came and went the pressures of the larger performance seemed to pile on. Everyone was nervous and we had touch-ups to make. I think we were all ready for it to be over. So when the night of the performance came we all sang greater than I've heard us all sing before. We all had more feeling behind our lines and I could tell the audience was feeling the sincerity that we had displayed. As the performance came to a close we were all relieved, yet sad at the same time. We wanted to continue to see each of us and bond with one another as we had over the past couple of months. I know that I can't stop thinking about how well we did; the songs are still stuck in my head. I felt overwhelmed with joy, that I had 12+ new friendships from something that I thought I would regret. Looking back on it now I could never regret being in that production and getting to know such wonderful women. Thank you Laurie and Mariana!
  

New Hair

So I've been getting kinda bored with my hair lately and the last time my hair was it's natural color I was 10 so I decided it would be a GREAT idea if I bleached it. So I had Ty Lynn come over Sunday after church and bleach my hair. Silly me without thinking about it I had her do everything from the roots down...Yeah, I shouldn't have had her do the roots. This is the result we got:

 

As I was drying my hair I felt that I looked like Leeloo from The Fifth Element...

 

but then later that night I started playing around with my hair and decided that, yeah it may be a bit outrageous right now but I think I could get used to it! I even found a way to make it look super cute on me :)

 

This is just how it looks on top. Bright blond roots with orange hair!

Christmas

So I usually like to tell people the wonderful things I received but I found that I'm more excited about what I gave. I decided that every year I am going to write down all the things I gave to people. Here's this year:

Mom: Hand mixer
Dad: Star Trek
Lee: Wallet
Ty Lynn and Daniel: Disney Monopoly
Dylan: Toy Helicopter
Vangie: Baby Stroller
Bonnie: Ute Snuggie and Candy Bouquet
Brandon: The Hangover
Nathan: Nintendo Points
Mathew: itunes Gift Card
Gail: Burt's Bees Pack with Candy Bouquets

I really enjoyed Christmas this year (Minus a few moments of frustration) but I had a great time. I enjoy spending time with both my families. They're very good to me. I appreciate Gail and Mathew for making me feel accepted and treat me as family. You'll never know how much that means to me. Thanks you guys! Have a great New Year!

4 Years

4 Years ago today my dad fell 20 ft inevitably changing our lives. Sometimes I think it was for the better other times, not so much. We've gone through surgeries, depression and now a legal battle with worker's comp. I wrote last year about how depressed I was and how 30 seconds changed our lives forever but today I don't feel the same. Yes I still look back on the accident and cry to myself on occasion but I know in my heart things will only get better. We can make them better.

Dad quit today. Its been a big relief for him and the family but at the same time it adds a new stress. No job, no money, especially while Worker Comp is still trying to make us jump through hoops. We're done jumping. We won't settle for less then perm/total. We have a great lawyer on our side who is not worried at all which makes our nerves relax. Our court date is in January.

Yes, I feel depressed to some degree today but not as much as past years. I feel that we're reaching the end and Dad will get better soon. I love my dad and my family. Its tragic what happened to us but its a blessing we still have each other.

My Wicked Witch of the West

Yes I have one. I'd like to think that I acquire a different person for this position every year or so. However, that has not been the case for quite some time now. When I first met her she wasn't so bad but for some reason that I cannot recall we didn't start off well. Maybe it was something I said, maybe it was a blog I wrote, or maybe it had to do with a new experience she wasn't ready for. Either way we didn't see eye to eye.

I'm not saying I'm Dorothy and haven't done and said a few things in the past that were probably not conducive to a good relationship with this woman but I always was the one apologizing and trying to make things better. I never did receive any kind of apology. My point is that I feel there is no reason for this person to not accept me for who I am and start treating me as I should be treated.

The reason I used the phrase "Wicked Witch of the West" is because I was explaining to my sister the frustrations that person had brought on that week and she said: "Even if someone dropped a house on her sister, she has another one." I now think about that every time this person gets me down and I chuckle to myself. I love having a humorous sister that knows what to say to make me smile :D

Writing Love on her arm

When first looking at me most people wouldn't assume that I've suffered from depression, but then again when people look at me they probably wouldn't be able to tell that I'm a daddy's girl, I didn't graduate high school, or even that I'm 20 years old either.

I've always liked the expression "never judge a book by its cover" but I've found that many people do. Its amusing to watch someone's expression when I tell them any possibly hidden fact about myself. Depression isn't something found on the surface (usually) but found when no one else is looking. I didn't know what I was feeling was something worse than I thought. Most of the time it was hidden even from my parents (mostly my mom) who are painfully observant about almost anything. It didn't really occur to them I was depressed until I ended up drinking charcoal in an ER for swallowing a fistful of pain killers.

I was harming myself at an early age. Most people didn't know or see because most of the time it wasn't visible. Every now and then I'd take scissors and cut my upper arms. I did it because I felt so emotionally drained and exhausted from everything that seeing the blood trickle down my arm was a relief; some sort of stimulant that made me feel better. Then next day, however, it would hurt like hell and I'd be faced with the physical pain as well. I still have some pretty bad scars on my upper arms from these occasions but whatever I did to my wrists faded away; thank heavens for that. When my arms became more and more obvious to my friends I moved down to my legs. My legs right above the knee was the ideal place, it bled more. I'd scratch my legs and arms really hard with my nails to deaden the skin on top and cut away. My weapon of choice was usually scissors. We had sharp craft scissors that were perfect for the job. I still have those scars too.

I haven't hurt myself in over a year. I'm not proud of the things I did to myself and to my family. I know it hurt them more than it hurt me, especially the night at the ER. Unfortunately that wasn't my last act of self harm. One particular plummet of self-esteem encouraged me to take retractable knife to my left leg. It did much more damage than I'd intended. Those suckers are sharp! It didn't hurt at all, but I saw my skin peel apart and I knew I'd gone too far. 11 stitches. 3 inside, 8 out. That was the last time I ever hurt myself or my family. I couldn't bare the look on my dad's face anymore. That occasion scared me and that scar is the darkest and most bold one I have. I hate my scars, but they are there for the constant reminder that I will not fall back into that habit ever again.

I've never talked about my self destructive ways before. Not really anyways. I told my family why I did it. The physical pain took away from the emotional pain, even if it was for a day or two. When asked what my scars are I usually say "It was just an accident." That's a lie that I won't tell anymore. They're reminders, not accidents. I survived myself. Its one of my greatest accomplishments. Occasionally I do get depressed but I have had such a turnaround in the way I think and feel that I don't need to harm myself to feel better. I've become increasingly positive to a point of absolute shock to myself. That's why today I wrote "Love" on my arm. Its a worldwide event to support people with addiction, suicide, depression, self harm, you name it. I wrote love right over the top of a few of my scars on my left arm to make a promise to myself and to those who care about me. I love myself too much to harm myself again. This is one promise I will not break.