I'll Miss You

   So most people know that Tyler and I are no longer Tyler and I anymore. Its nothing either of us did in particular but we just grew apart over time. I know people are probably expecting this blog to be about who hurt who, what happened, or if we're going to be friends...but I'm not doing that. I'm not posting the typical break-up blog that everyone seems to do. Instead I want to do a reflection of the past 3 years and send a message to family.
   We didn't exactly have the best of beginnings. Again not going into too much detail we almost didn't make it past the first 3 months. However, no matter the obstacles that were in our way, we found our way through the chaos and built a relationship. The first year was great. He went to my family reunion for the first time and I went to Lagoon with his family. There were plenty of activities on both sides to take part of. Sometimes certain people made it hard to enjoy ourselves and each others company but we managed. Second year was good too. He moved in to my parents' house with me. We supported each other in so much and we experienced a relationship of living in each others presence. Third year was stressful. I was dealing with the battle between my parents and Worker's Comp and he was attending school while working. Overall I think we had a great relationship. He was always kind and loving even at times I didn't deserve it. I will always think fondly of him and what we had. I hope to remain friends.
   Through this whole thing I've worried what each family will think of me. I've come to a point now where I don't lose sleep over it. If some choose to think poorly of me, so be it. Yes I initiated this but that doesn't make me a horrible person. I've already had a conversation with his step-mother. She made me feel so much better. I love her very much and I will miss her and not being able to see her as often. Thank you Gail. His dad's family has made me feel so welcome over the past 3 years that I really felt like they were my second family. I was always eager to see them and go to functions with them. I hope I still remain welcome at those functions (with Tyler's permission of course). They will always remain close to my heart.
   I know that his mother and I haven't seen eye to eye on more than one occasion but I will also miss her. Her and her family have shown me such great hospitality. The parties and gatherings were always fun. The jokes and humorous incidents that occured will always stay with me. So many of them reminded me of members of my own family. One uncle reminded me of one of my own uncles that can always make me laugh, and one aunt reminded me of my sister. Their warmth toward me will not be forgotten.
   But most of all I will miss Tyler. I will give him as much time and space as he needs but I hope to always have him in my life. I will miss seeing his grumpy face in the mornings and his ability to make me smile even at my worst of times. He has been my best friend for 3 years and I hope it doesn't stop here. I still care deeply for him and I always will. I will always keep the memory of him close to my heart and love him as long as he allows me to. I hope the pain subsides and life will get better for the both of us.

Experimenting with my mobile Blogger!

I've Built My Life

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. I don't know what most consider a normal childhood for the majority of households have shifted from having both parents to having separated or divorced parents. I do know that my childhood wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I shared common sibling rivalries with my older brother and sister, I had both my parents, we were penny pinchers to the extreme, and for a good portion of my childhood we lived in a duplex in downtown Salt Lake. I think I had a pretty good childhood. The only thing I hated was the constant bickering between my siblings and I but even that is fading in my memory. I only remember the big things like being convinced I was adopted because I had blonde hair, being pushed off the bunk bed, eating soap because I was convinced it was white chocolate, and my bathrobe being set on fire, but what do you expect? I am 4 and 6 years younger than them; To them I was intruding. However I can't complain too loud about those things because I don't think I would be as much of a Daddy's Girl as I am without it.

I love my brother and sister very much. I've become more close to them than I ever thought I would when I was little. I always have fun gossiping or joking around with my sister. Her husband is a great brother-in-law too. He has become like a great reliable big brother. Her kids are the best! I love those two munchkins. Lately I've been seeing a lot of Ty Lynn's features in them and it just makes me smile. Its like seeing the little girl I grew up with that I secretly idealized. Its true, I looked up to my sister so much. She was funny, pretty, sporty, and fun to be around yet I never let anyone see how much I wanted to be like her. One year at girl's camp we were on a hike. We were told this hike was only supposed to be about 4 miles and once we passed the 2 mile mark and people started turning back. We didn't want to just turn back so we kept going. Well, I've always had problems with my knees and ankles, they're just not made for hiking (even though I love it). So about an hour later my legs started hurting and I started crying from the pain, I just wanted to head back to the camp. Ty Lynn wrapped her arm around me and told me that whenever I needed to stop she'd stop with me even if the rest wouldn't. She's a great big sister.

My brother, on the other hand, loved to tease. It was a gift he inherited from our mother. He would tease us until we cried. He has kind of  grown out of it but if he wasn't always teasing me I'd think something is wrong. He has always been a good big brother though. My birthdays haven't gone smoothly for a few years but the one that has stuck out to me the most is my 16th. Lee took me to see AVP and then to Wendy's for my birthday. As we were eating our dinner he said "Haha, now you can tell all your friends your first date was with your big brother." I don't know if he remembers that but I knew it was his teasing way of saying "Happy Birthday" and "I Love You." I do, however, enjoy reading the quirky phrases and jokes seen on Lee's shirts when he comes to visit (my favorite is still the pot and the kettle). They always make me laugh. I sometimes find myself complaining about my siblings bad habits but I couldn't imagine any better brother or sister.

My parents have been great to me my whole life. I couldn't have asked for better parents. I know people are always saying they have the best mom or dad in the world but I don't say that. I say I have the best parents in the world for me. I know I was meant to be in their family. Whenever my brother and sister would pick on me they knew exactly what to say to make me feel better but not hate my siblings. They never allowed name calling and they made a great home for us. We didn't have much money growing up. Candy bars were a rare gift and family dinners, movies, or vacations were few and far between (If not non-existent) but they always made life interesting for us. Since we didn't have much money for family days we'd go to the pound and look at the dogs and cats. I remember walking to the Library or the DI with Mom a few times. What I really remember about those walks was when I was learning my numbers Mom would have me read of the numbers on the houses. Its amazing how creative my parents got with keeping us all entertained. Mom made us paper-dolls and since we didn't have money to buy barbie clothes she made some. I remember when I was in Kindergarten I had to go home earlier than my brother and sister so it was just me and Mom. She taught me how to make Mac and Cheese (my favorite at the time) and when the News at noon was over she would take a nap and I'd play Dr. Mario. I had some pretty fun times with my mom.

Its no secret that I'm a Daddy's Girl. He wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend and my hero. Even now he is still my hero. He was and will continue to be the most amazing person to me. He was always a yellow. Yellow's are happy, smiley, glass half-full kind of people. That was my dad. Some of my greatest memories growing up was with my dad. I loved the shoulder rides, the semi-rough housing, doing his hair in my little barrettes, and him singing a song to me before going to sleep every night, just to name a few.  Later on, after we had moved, he decided to go back to school so he could finally leave masonry. At one point he was juggling work, school, and his family and yet he always had time for us. His fall was crippling to our family at first but we've actually grown stronger from it. At the moment I have to stick around and live with my parents to help him out but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I would do anything for my dad and it will always be that way. He may not be as strong or as capable as he used to be but to me he will always be my hero.

This is how I've built my life; Through my amazing family.

Addicted to Myself?

I was talking to someone a while ago who asked me if they could define depression as an addiction to one's self. In some circumstances I totally agree with that sentence. Some people choose to be unhappy and depressed for the attention. I will even go as far as to say that this is the case in most depression cases, but I refuse to believe I'm addicted to myself.

Now I'm not saying that I am not choosing to feel this way. That's a lie, everyone chooses to feel a particular way to every occurrence in their lives, but I most certainly don't use it to make people feel sorry for me. I've never asked for anyone's pity and I've never used it as an excuse for anything. I was so angry when this person said this to me. I knew right then that they didn't understand me or how I was feeling. They've obviously never been depressed before...Not that I'd wish that upon them but they couldn't possibly understand.

From the time I was 12 to the age I am now I have experienced more than your average 20-year-old. When I was 12 (on Mother's Day no less) my mother got terribly sick and was admitted to the hospital where they ran every test they could think of on her. Everything came back negative. As I remember it, they ran one more test for cancer. That came back negative as well but ever since that year my mom's health mysteriously plummeted. She went through about 5 surgeries in 4 years??? I'm not sure I'd have to ask my parents but I just remember my mom being in and out of the hospital all the time. When I was in 7th grade I missed 3 months of school because I had Labrynthitis. I don't know how I made it through Junior High but I did. Then High school....Oh boy was that hell. My Sophomore year in December my dad fell 20 feet off of scaffolding. His health has been critical as well. My parents were in and out of hospitals my whole High School career. My dad was even in the hospital on my birthday in 2006. I ended up missing tons of school to be with them. The result of that is no graduation. I did end up waiting about a year before going to Horizonte to get my diploma because I had a serious grudge against Highland at the time...It took me 2 weeks to get my diploma. Also over those 4 years I made new friends, my sister had 2 kids, I was in the orchestra pit for 2 musicals, I was cutting myself, I stopped going to church, I tried to OD, and I was involved in 2 love triangles. Life was definitely crazy. Most of what I endured that has caused me to feel depressed was uncontrollable to me. Most people bring it upon themselves.


Considering all of that I think I handled it all pretty well (minus the cutting myself and ER visit). I've become a far more positive person than I ever thought I could be. That doesn't mean I'm not going to struggle with depression still. My depression isn't an addiction, its an outcome. I would LOVE to see someone go through parents in and out of hospitals, family moving out and away, getting their heart crushed in 2 love messes and not come out of that with depression. I am NOT addicted to myself.

She'll be three!

   Today I had an extravaganza with the cutest little girl I've ever seen...My niece. Her birthday is in April but I decided to do a day for just me and her. I can't believe she'll be three!
  
   First, we went to Discovery Gateway for about an hour and a half. She had a great time playing in the little ball play area and with the little toy bikes and cars the kids could ride in. I had my sister's camera with me to take tons of pictures but the batteries died right as I put the film in (I know, I know, I need to go digital). After that we went to Gymboree to get her some cool new sunglasses (because I was wearing mine). She was SO excited about going somewhere to get shoes! She's such a little diva. We went to Smith's Marketplace and got her a new skirt, shirt, and shoes. We decided that we needed to get Dylan a toy too so we got him an Iron man toy and Vangie got a Dora the Explorer phone. We met up with Dylan, Grandma, Grandpa, and Tyler at McDonald's so the kids could eat and play together before we went to our last (and spontaneous) stop of the day. We dropped Dylan back off at home and went to Cookie Cutters. We had them trim a little hair off the ends and give her some bangs (so her hair isn't always in her face) and got her a manicure. We had a great time!

   I love spending time with my niece and nephew. I especially love knowing how much they love me. I feel so great knowing that they get excited to see me. I love that they run at me every time I come to see them. I enjoy seeing them smile from ear to ear after I've done something nice for them. Every time I bought Vangie something today she always said thank you. I love that she's my little clone. Everything I do she does, and everything I say she says. Just like the sunglasses. I put my sunglasses on so she had to. Its so cute! I love how possessive they are of me. They don't like sharing their Aunt Kyla with anyone else. It makes me smile.  I guess I just feel bad that other people don't give them the attention or love they deserve. They are often over-looked and not thought about by people that should be thinking about them and caring about them. I don't understand how anyone could treat them the way that others have. I can't stand how unfair others are to them. It makes me so angry that others place them last in their lives...I guess I'm just an awesome aunt. I know I am because I'm their favorite :D I love MY niece and nephew.

I am Nava

   The past couple of months have had a lot of good times and hard times, but at this moment I can look back on these past months and honestly say the good outweighs the bad by far. Not many people can say that after having weeks of unchanging stress and frustration but what made those months bearable is being a part of the production that we put on last night. My stake relief society president, Mariana, called me in December saying that she knew I played piano but didn't know if I sang. Of course not thinking about it I said yes. She told me that in March she was putting on a play of the 10 Virgins and would like me to take a roll in the production. I told her I was an alto and that I would love to prepare for the roll she would provide for me. A few minutes after hanging up I started to feel panic and a little bit of regret. I've never been on a stage delivering lines and singing solos to an audience before. What did I get myself into!?

   After receiving a CD with songs from the production on it and my own music, I got a call from Laurie, our director, that we were going to have our first practice to learn our parts a little bit. The first time meeting the other women in the production was a little awkward to me. I didn't really know any of them and didn't know how to connect, but as we came to practice with one another more and more over the next couple of months I really started growing closer to these women. They always made me leave practice laughing or with a smile on my face. Finally it came time to get props, costumes, etc... and panic really started to sink in. I didn't have my lines or my song memorized! But somehow they all seemed to make me feel that I would be great and just to pray; things will come to you as you diligently prepare (One of my lines).

   With each passing practice I began to feel closer and closer to my character. She knows that there are greater and more important things in life, she's just a little absent minded. She would have brought the oil if she would've taken the time to think it through first. As I fell more and more into my character and see the others come to life as well I really did start feeling that these women were my sisters. I cried at Jessa's song. The way Shirley sang and put her heart into each word, moved me very much. I was really happy to be picked to be a part of this production.

   As dress rehearsal came and went the pressures of the larger performance seemed to pile on. Everyone was nervous and we had touch-ups to make. I think we were all ready for it to be over. So when the night of the performance came we all sang greater than I've heard us all sing before. We all had more feeling behind our lines and I could tell the audience was feeling the sincerity that we had displayed. As the performance came to a close we were all relieved, yet sad at the same time. We wanted to continue to see each of us and bond with one another as we had over the past couple of months. I know that I can't stop thinking about how well we did; the songs are still stuck in my head. I felt overwhelmed with joy, that I had 12+ new friendships from something that I thought I would regret. Looking back on it now I could never regret being in that production and getting to know such wonderful women. Thank you Laurie and Mariana!
  

New Hair

So I've been getting kinda bored with my hair lately and the last time my hair was it's natural color I was 10 so I decided it would be a GREAT idea if I bleached it. So I had Ty Lynn come over Sunday after church and bleach my hair. Silly me without thinking about it I had her do everything from the roots down...Yeah, I shouldn't have had her do the roots. This is the result we got:

 

As I was drying my hair I felt that I looked like Leeloo from The Fifth Element...

 

but then later that night I started playing around with my hair and decided that, yeah it may be a bit outrageous right now but I think I could get used to it! I even found a way to make it look super cute on me :)

 

This is just how it looks on top. Bright blond roots with orange hair!