I've Built My Life

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. I don't know what most consider a normal childhood for the majority of households have shifted from having both parents to having separated or divorced parents. I do know that my childhood wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I shared common sibling rivalries with my older brother and sister, I had both my parents, we were penny pinchers to the extreme, and for a good portion of my childhood we lived in a duplex in downtown Salt Lake. I think I had a pretty good childhood. The only thing I hated was the constant bickering between my siblings and I but even that is fading in my memory. I only remember the big things like being convinced I was adopted because I had blonde hair, being pushed off the bunk bed, eating soap because I was convinced it was white chocolate, and my bathrobe being set on fire, but what do you expect? I am 4 and 6 years younger than them; To them I was intruding. However I can't complain too loud about those things because I don't think I would be as much of a Daddy's Girl as I am without it.

I love my brother and sister very much. I've become more close to them than I ever thought I would when I was little. I always have fun gossiping or joking around with my sister. Her husband is a great brother-in-law too. He has become like a great reliable big brother. Her kids are the best! I love those two munchkins. Lately I've been seeing a lot of Ty Lynn's features in them and it just makes me smile. Its like seeing the little girl I grew up with that I secretly idealized. Its true, I looked up to my sister so much. She was funny, pretty, sporty, and fun to be around yet I never let anyone see how much I wanted to be like her. One year at girl's camp we were on a hike. We were told this hike was only supposed to be about 4 miles and once we passed the 2 mile mark and people started turning back. We didn't want to just turn back so we kept going. Well, I've always had problems with my knees and ankles, they're just not made for hiking (even though I love it). So about an hour later my legs started hurting and I started crying from the pain, I just wanted to head back to the camp. Ty Lynn wrapped her arm around me and told me that whenever I needed to stop she'd stop with me even if the rest wouldn't. She's a great big sister.

My brother, on the other hand, loved to tease. It was a gift he inherited from our mother. He would tease us until we cried. He has kind of  grown out of it but if he wasn't always teasing me I'd think something is wrong. He has always been a good big brother though. My birthdays haven't gone smoothly for a few years but the one that has stuck out to me the most is my 16th. Lee took me to see AVP and then to Wendy's for my birthday. As we were eating our dinner he said "Haha, now you can tell all your friends your first date was with your big brother." I don't know if he remembers that but I knew it was his teasing way of saying "Happy Birthday" and "I Love You." I do, however, enjoy reading the quirky phrases and jokes seen on Lee's shirts when he comes to visit (my favorite is still the pot and the kettle). They always make me laugh. I sometimes find myself complaining about my siblings bad habits but I couldn't imagine any better brother or sister.

My parents have been great to me my whole life. I couldn't have asked for better parents. I know people are always saying they have the best mom or dad in the world but I don't say that. I say I have the best parents in the world for me. I know I was meant to be in their family. Whenever my brother and sister would pick on me they knew exactly what to say to make me feel better but not hate my siblings. They never allowed name calling and they made a great home for us. We didn't have much money growing up. Candy bars were a rare gift and family dinners, movies, or vacations were few and far between (If not non-existent) but they always made life interesting for us. Since we didn't have much money for family days we'd go to the pound and look at the dogs and cats. I remember walking to the Library or the DI with Mom a few times. What I really remember about those walks was when I was learning my numbers Mom would have me read of the numbers on the houses. Its amazing how creative my parents got with keeping us all entertained. Mom made us paper-dolls and since we didn't have money to buy barbie clothes she made some. I remember when I was in Kindergarten I had to go home earlier than my brother and sister so it was just me and Mom. She taught me how to make Mac and Cheese (my favorite at the time) and when the News at noon was over she would take a nap and I'd play Dr. Mario. I had some pretty fun times with my mom.

Its no secret that I'm a Daddy's Girl. He wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend and my hero. Even now he is still my hero. He was and will continue to be the most amazing person to me. He was always a yellow. Yellow's are happy, smiley, glass half-full kind of people. That was my dad. Some of my greatest memories growing up was with my dad. I loved the shoulder rides, the semi-rough housing, doing his hair in my little barrettes, and him singing a song to me before going to sleep every night, just to name a few.  Later on, after we had moved, he decided to go back to school so he could finally leave masonry. At one point he was juggling work, school, and his family and yet he always had time for us. His fall was crippling to our family at first but we've actually grown stronger from it. At the moment I have to stick around and live with my parents to help him out but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I would do anything for my dad and it will always be that way. He may not be as strong or as capable as he used to be but to me he will always be my hero.

This is how I've built my life; Through my amazing family.

Addicted to Myself?

I was talking to someone a while ago who asked me if they could define depression as an addiction to one's self. In some circumstances I totally agree with that sentence. Some people choose to be unhappy and depressed for the attention. I will even go as far as to say that this is the case in most depression cases, but I refuse to believe I'm addicted to myself.

Now I'm not saying that I am not choosing to feel this way. That's a lie, everyone chooses to feel a particular way to every occurrence in their lives, but I most certainly don't use it to make people feel sorry for me. I've never asked for anyone's pity and I've never used it as an excuse for anything. I was so angry when this person said this to me. I knew right then that they didn't understand me or how I was feeling. They've obviously never been depressed before...Not that I'd wish that upon them but they couldn't possibly understand.

From the time I was 12 to the age I am now I have experienced more than your average 20-year-old. When I was 12 (on Mother's Day no less) my mother got terribly sick and was admitted to the hospital where they ran every test they could think of on her. Everything came back negative. As I remember it, they ran one more test for cancer. That came back negative as well but ever since that year my mom's health mysteriously plummeted. She went through about 5 surgeries in 4 years??? I'm not sure I'd have to ask my parents but I just remember my mom being in and out of the hospital all the time. When I was in 7th grade I missed 3 months of school because I had Labrynthitis. I don't know how I made it through Junior High but I did. Then High school....Oh boy was that hell. My Sophomore year in December my dad fell 20 feet off of scaffolding. His health has been critical as well. My parents were in and out of hospitals my whole High School career. My dad was even in the hospital on my birthday in 2006. I ended up missing tons of school to be with them. The result of that is no graduation. I did end up waiting about a year before going to Horizonte to get my diploma because I had a serious grudge against Highland at the time...It took me 2 weeks to get my diploma. Also over those 4 years I made new friends, my sister had 2 kids, I was in the orchestra pit for 2 musicals, I was cutting myself, I stopped going to church, I tried to OD, and I was involved in 2 love triangles. Life was definitely crazy. Most of what I endured that has caused me to feel depressed was uncontrollable to me. Most people bring it upon themselves.


Considering all of that I think I handled it all pretty well (minus the cutting myself and ER visit). I've become a far more positive person than I ever thought I could be. That doesn't mean I'm not going to struggle with depression still. My depression isn't an addiction, its an outcome. I would LOVE to see someone go through parents in and out of hospitals, family moving out and away, getting their heart crushed in 2 love messes and not come out of that with depression. I am NOT addicted to myself.