I was talking to someone a while ago who asked me if they could define depression as an addiction to one's self. In some circumstances I totally agree with that sentence. Some people choose to be unhappy and depressed for the attention. I will even go as far as to say that this is the case in most depression cases, but I refuse to believe I'm addicted to myself.
Now I'm not saying that I am not choosing to feel this way. That's a lie, everyone chooses to feel a particular way to every occurrence in their lives, but I most certainly don't use it to make people feel sorry for me. I've never asked for anyone's pity and I've never used it as an excuse for anything. I was so angry when this person said this to me. I knew right then that they didn't understand me or how I was feeling. They've obviously never been depressed before...Not that I'd wish that upon them but they couldn't possibly understand.
From the time I was 12 to the age I am now I have experienced more than your average 20-year-old. When I was 12 (on Mother's Day no less) my mother got terribly sick and was admitted to the hospital where they ran every test they could think of on her. Everything came back negative. As I remember it, they ran one more test for cancer. That came back negative as well but ever since that year my mom's health mysteriously plummeted. She went through about 5 surgeries in 4 years??? I'm not sure I'd have to ask my parents but I just remember my mom being in and out of the hospital all the time. When I was in 7th grade I missed 3 months of school because I had Labrynthitis. I don't know how I made it through Junior High but I did. Then High school....Oh boy was that hell. My Sophomore year in December my dad fell 20 feet off of scaffolding. His health has been critical as well. My parents were in and out of hospitals my whole High School career. My dad was even in the hospital on my birthday in 2006. I ended up missing tons of school to be with them. The result of that is no graduation. I did end up waiting about a year before going to Horizonte to get my diploma because I had a serious grudge against Highland at the time...It took me 2 weeks to get my diploma. Also over those 4 years I made new friends, my sister had 2 kids, I was in the orchestra pit for 2 musicals, I was cutting myself, I stopped going to church, I tried to OD, and I was involved in 2 love triangles. Life was definitely crazy. Most of what I endured that has caused me to feel depressed was uncontrollable to me. Most people bring it upon themselves.
Considering all of that I think I handled it all pretty well (minus the cutting myself and ER visit). I've become a far more positive person than I ever thought I could be. That doesn't mean I'm not going to struggle with depression still. My depression isn't an addiction, its an outcome. I would LOVE to see someone go through parents in and out of hospitals, family moving out and away, getting their heart crushed in 2 love messes and not come out of that with depression. I am NOT addicted to myself.
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