5 Years

Usually with these blogs (that I seem to write every year on December 15) I am very nostalgic and depressed. However, this year I would rather discuss the better things.

In 2005 Dad suffered an industrial accident. He fell 20 ft off of a scaffolding at work. Since, he's had a surgery on his right side, gained a bit of weight, has needed oxygen 24/7, and has been considerably less active than before. However, this year he's made a turn around. He's lost about 20-25 lbs and has been going to physical rehab almost on a daily basis while also taking me to work and my nephew to school, he's quit working to improve his health, and has made many realizations about the help he needs. He may not be functioning the way he did 5 years ago but he is better (in my opinion) than he has been the past several. I love my dad very much. He is true inspiration to me. I know how hard some things are on him and I know he struggles but while those things are difficult to get through he still gets through them. He continues to plug away at the things that need improvement. Good job Dad! I love you :)

Grateful

   Unlike all my friends on Facebook, I've been lazy and haven't posted a thing I am grateful for. So I decided to do it the lazy way and post all 30 things I am grateful for, with elaboration, just to make it seem like I'm not TOO lazy.

1. My family: Of course family is going to be first! My family is why I am who I am. I think about each and everyone of them on a daily basis. I may not have always been close to everyone in my family when I was younger but I feel a particular bond with all of them now.
2. Talent: I have talents. I am proud to say that I have taught myself every instrument I know. Clarinet, piano, guitar, and even my voice I have picked up on my own. I also have to credit my dad though. He's a natural just like me :)
3. Technology: Not only for entertainment but for much bigger uses. For example, getting in a car accident, just whip out the cell and call 911. Things like that.
4. My body: It may not be beautiful or the ideal body but its still a good one. I am capable of fixing things around the house, going to work, driving a car, etc... Without my body, I would be NO-body...cheesy? YES
5. Addie: I would say "my friends" but with every passing week I realize more and more who has truly been there for me and who wouldn't notice if I moved to Spain. Addie has helped me so much this year. I wish I would have discovered her friendship sooner but if you wish in one hand and poo in the other, which is gonna fill up faster? Anywho, Addie has helped build my self-esteem and been there for me when no one else was. I love this girl and her family. She is definitely a rare treasure to me.
6. Work: I may hate going sometimes and I might be exhausted afterwords but its a simple cause and effect situation here. I go to work (cause) and they pay me for it (effect). Simple.
7. Education: I may not have graduated with my class but I definitely tried and I learned many things. I may not be a genius but I know enough to get me by. The best kind of smarts I have is street smarts.
8. Music: I am a very musical person. I love all sorts of music. I think, without it, I would have gone nutso by now. Music is a great vent and occupies my mind when i wander a little too deep.
9. Sean: Yes, I have another friend to individually thank. He knows me almost as well as Addie does. He is a very sensitive and patient person who has always been very compassionate. He takes problems that we discuss and analyzes them from every aspect he may think I don't see. He's give great advice.
   
10. Religion: Not just the one I was raised in but all sorts of religion. It opens up possibilities for everyone. Its an interesting field to study and I think the human race would be quite dull if there was no religion whatsoever.
    
11. Life: Life is full of rough spots, mine just happens to be this entire year, but nonetheless, I am grateful for it. It has been graciously given to me by God, my parents, whoever you want to believe gives you life and has been entrusted to me to take care of. I am able to choose things for myself, make my own mistakes and learn from them as well as being rewarded for the right choices I make. Life is beautiful even if its gloomy sometimes.
12. Death: Even though it saddens me to see a family member or friend go I am grateful for death. It is a mystery to some. It guarantees us peace, if we've lived in good ways that is. However difficult it maybe for us to see people we care for pass away, it makes those who are still alive stronger. As my wonderful grandmother has said, "It won't be easy, but we can do hard."
13. My siblings: They tormented me in my younger years. You'd think I should hate them but I don't. Wanna know why? Because I'm only ever going to get one brother and one sister. I have a brother-in-law but that's kinda different. Why waste your time on petty differences or childhood pranks when you could be bonding with your siblings? I promise, you'll need them when you get older. I may have a hard time saying it sometimes but I love you Big Brudda and Big Sistah!
14. My Brother-in-Law: For knockin my sister up and marrying her :) It has made her so happy. He is a good father, husband and brother-in-law. Plus, he got her outta the house :P
15. Love: Also another great mystery in life but I believe those who've found it at least once, its not so much of a mystery. I'm talking about TRUE love, not having a new boyfriend every week or two but true love. The kind of love that makes you feel like nothing in this world matters except for being with that person for the rest of your life. I've felt that love, and I am grateful for it, even if I don't have it anymore.
16. Contacts: I'm blind, I can't see without them. Gotta appreciate the little things too.
17. Facebook: it has allowed me to reconnect with people I never thought I would/could see again. I like keeping in touch with people I used to know and trying my best to be involved in their lives and be the best friend I know how to be.
    
18. The Bell family: I grew up with this cute little girl. Her family was in my ward when I was growing up. Our parents met and this cute little girl became my best friend. Even though many miles separate us I am still grateful I had a friend like Samantha to grow up with. Thanks Bells!
19. My Therapist: She has brought a lot of things to my attention. Fixing them is a project but at least she's made me aware of reoccurring patterns in my life. I do believe she helps, even when I don't feel up to going. 
20. My Niece: She is my mini me. How can I not be grateful for that!? Maybe with any luck I won't have children like myself because I have her running around terrorizing my sister instead :P you think?
21. My Nephews: They are so terribly cute! I have never seen little boys that look more adorable. Every time I look at any of my sister's kids I automatically get sent back to my childhood. When I see their faces I can visualize my sister's face from 10 or 15 years ago. Even though that was the time we didn't get along I still looked up to her, and she had a pretty adorable face too :)
22. Indoor Plumbing: Because outhouses are kinda gross (especially if you're in one getting tipped) and because I have a hard time squatting.
    
23. Holidays: Some holidays don't really have a purpose but I'm still grateful because I don't have to work on those days. Oh! And it gives me a good excuse to see extended family, not like I really need an excuse :)
24. Doctors: Without doctors I probably wouldn't have either of my parents right now, and they make child birth much easier now-a-days. 
    
25. Living in Utah: It may be cold but not as cold as Idaho. I may live in a city but not a huge city like NYC or LA. I may live in a desert but its not too terribly hot. I love living in good ol' SLC.
26. Ozzy: My dog is so cute. Dogs are also very intuitive. He can always tell when I'm sad or when I need my space. He's so tiny and cute, it makes cuddling very enjoyable. He makes me happy.
27. The Inventor of Compressed O2: Without that my dad probably would be immobile and probably quite depressed. His chances of surviving this long after his accident is probably slim if it weren't for compressed oxygen.
28. Teachers: For continuing to teach children (Some more horrible than others) for a terrible rate and in a messed up educational system. They look at the greater good they are providing to children across the nation. Thank you for hangin in there.
29. The 5 Senses: I am very happy to have all 5 senses. I know there are some who don't have them. I don't think I'd be the same person if I didn't have all 5.

     Last but totally not least
   30. My parents: Yes, they are part of family but they get their own little branch in the family. I am grateful for the way they raised me. It may not have been perfect but it was good enough for me to be thankful to them and dedicate time in my prime years to them. I would do nearly anything for these two individuals because they've made me strong and built a wonderful home for me to grow up in. I have good values and those street smarts I was telling you about? Yeah, that came from them. By being honest with me throughout my life I could also learn from their mistakes and take their advice knowing that they've probably done worse things than I have in my youthful and rebellious phases. I know I can tell them anything and never be judged by them. My parents love me as a parent should, Unconditionally. For that, I will always show the same love in return. I love you mom and dad and I will forever be grateful for being blessed with you in my life.

Grandpa

   On November 18, 2010 the greatest man I've ever encountered passed away at 81-years-old. This great man was my grandfather. I heard stories and memories that made me even more amazed with him. He read so many books and was so profound and passionate about his faith. He loved so many but more-so was loved by many. He never made an enemy and could befriend even the hardest of people to get along with. He was quite the jokester and always had such soft hands. He didn't speak much but when he did whatever he said was either profound or hilarious. He could tell stories better than anyone I know. He had such character and greatness. He truly was an amazing man.
   The funeral service was beautiful. The life sketch my 3 beautiful aunts presented was so touching. Afterwords I got the privilege to play the piano for the grandchildren's musical number. It was the combination of I am a Child of God, Love is Spoken Here, and Bring the World His Truth. It was a beautiful number that my aunt Cindy helped me put together. The stake president and bishop spoke and the family choir sang. At the grave site there was a military service. It was a beautifully sad day.
   My grandpa was an extraordinary man. I love him very much and I believe he's in a better place where he can walk, run, jump and do all the things he hasn't been able to for years. I firmly believe I will see him again and he will greet me with his open tender arms. I love you grandpa! Run among the angels <3

What I Got

Its about 2 AM and I'm wide awake. I've been thinking a lot about the changes I've encountered in the past couple of months. I'm single, I've lost weight, gained amazing friends (and interests), etc.. If I look back on the last 4 months I see a particular dark patch in my life, yet I have had the time of my life. Maybe I'm getting over it all or maybe I'm just shoving it to the back of my mind like most problems but right now I'm pretty damn happy.

I've come to realize how strong I really am. I think this year has proven that I'm an emotional viking. I may have episodes but I know I have to seek help (and tried before I had any sort of episode). That's an amazing achievement in itself. I know I need help and I can't expect it from my friends or family. I am exhausted right now but I think in about a week or two (hell maybe a couple of days) I can be able to slow down and breathe again. I'm already starting to feel like I can be my normal cheerful self again. I can finally snap out of it. I don't feel like crying all the time. I can take a particularly good moment or happy thought and cling onto it instead of instantly having it flee my mind as fast as it entered my line of thought. I may have some lingering feelings of all sorts but that's to be expected in my situation.

I've sort of been jotting down this list of reasons in my head. Reasons why I'm scared, depressed, happy... Scared because I don't want to put my guard down just yet (to anyone), depressed because of how this has all turned out, and happy because of my friends, our parties, my family, but most of all myself. I think its safe to say through the anger, frustration, sadness, and depression the good finally outweighs the bad. I've gained a kind of confidence that I've never known before. I have said things, done things, and thought things I would have never done before because I've lacked this confidence in myself. I've taken charge of what I want and gone after it. Maybe my life isn't perfect right now but its what I want. For once I want what I already have.

My Birthday

My birthdays are usually terrible. Have been for several years. Even though people have tried extra hard to make them good it seems like something always happens that makes it bad...

Well I'm pleased to inform all my family and friends who've tried so hard throughout the years that this birthday has been phenomenal! It has been a non-stop celebration of my birth from the 14th to today. I got Reach from my family on the 14th (AMAZING) and my folks took me out to dinner on the 15th. They threw me a surprise birthday party on the 18th. My aunts took me to dinner this last Friday and we had a fantastic party on Saturday.

I must say that I have an absolutely amazing family that I am SO grateful for. My parents always being patient and understanding; my sister always there for me to make me smile; and my brother and his quirky shirts...I couldn't ask for a better family. I'm best friends with my sister and still look to my dad as the super hero he is. They have tried incredibly hard to make every September 15th a great day. I appreciate their efforts and love them so much.

I think this year was so fantastic because, even though I've hit the hardest speed-bump in my life, I have the greatest friends to help me through it. They're all great people. I have NEVER had a better group of friends. They make me happy and I have good times with them. I tend to forget all the problems and anger when I'm with them and just let it go and have fun. I'm so lucky to have them, its very rare to find so many great friends.

I have such a great life. Thanks everyone for the best birthday ever!

The Race

So lately I've fallen on some hard times. Its tough to make it through them but then I found this poem in my journal. My dad gave it to me years ago and now I want to share it with my friends who are struggling.

The Race
Dee Groberg

"Quit! Give up! You're beaten!"
They shout at me, and plead
"There's just too much against you now,
This time you can't succeed."

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure's face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weekend will
As I recall this scene,
For, just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being

A children's race, young boys, young men
Now, I remember well
Excitement, sure! But also fear
It wasn't hard to tell

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race.
Or, tie for first, or if not that,
At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son.
And each boy hoped to show his dad,
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew, and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win, to be the hero there
Was each young boy's desire.

And on boy in particular,
Whose dad was in the crowd,
Was running near the lead, and thought:
"My dad will be so proud!"

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy, who thought to win,
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself,

His hands flew out to brace,
And 'mid the laughter of the crowd,
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell, and with him hope
--he couldn't win it now--
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
to disappear somehow.

But, as he fell, his dad stood up,
And showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said:
"Get up and win the race."

He quickly rose, no damage don,
--behind a bit, that's all--
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So, anxious to restore himself
--to catch up and to win--
His mind went faster than his legs;
He slipped and fell again!

He wished, then, he had quit before
With only one disgrace,
"I'm hopeless as a runner now;
I shouldn't try to race."

But, in the laughing crowd he searched,
And found his father's face.
That steady look that said again:
:"Get up and win the race."

So, he jumped up to try again
--Ten yards behind the last--
"If I'm to gain those yards," he thought
"I've got to move real fast."

Exceeding everything he had
He regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead,
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lay there silently
--a tear dropped from his eye--
"There's no sense running anymore;
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?"

The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind; so error prone
Closer all the way.

"I've lost, so whats the use," he thought
"I'll live with my disgrace."
But, then he thought about his dad,
Who, soon, he'd have to face.

"Get up!" an echo sounded low,
"Get up, and take your place.
You were not meant for failure here,
Get up, and win the race."

"With borrowed will get up," it said,
"You haven't lost at all.
For, winning's no more than this;
To rise each time you fall."

So, up he rose to run once more,
And with a new commit
He resolved that win, or lose,
At least he wouldn't quit.

So far behind the others now
--the most he'd ever been--
Still, he gave it all he had,
And ran as though to win.

Three times he'd fallen stumbling.
Three times he'd rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner,
As he crossed the line first place,
Head high, and proud, and happy.
No falling, no disgrace.

But, when the fallen youngster
Crossed the finish line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last.
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad, he sadly said,
"I didn't do so well."
"To me, you won!" his father said,
"You rose each time you fell."

And now, when things seem dark
And difficult to face.
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my own race.

For, all of life is like that race
With ups and downs and all,
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

"Quit! Give up! You're beaten!"
The still shout in my face.
But, another voice, within me says:
"Get up and win the race!"

Boys Are Better!

  So I've decide I have to be a masochist because I keep subjecting myself to people who have never been good to me or for me. I guess I'm naive in believing someone when they say they've changed or will change. I just want to believe people when they say that. Although it has become apparent to me that some will never change and if that be the case I refuse to bestow my presence on them any longer. I'm a great friend and I will not allow myself to be walked all over. Things that were said are so completely baffling to me that I can't believe that my "friend" spoke those words. How dare she pretend that she knows how I felt 3 years ago? I know I'm not the first person in the world to go through a break-up and if she'd actually been there for me (like a true friend should) she'd know that isn't how I felt about it. Put her in the middle? BS. Someone needs to move past the drama and get over themselves. You can't come to me with the "problems" you have with me, I'll publicize the ones I have with you.
   That being said I just want people to know that boys are proven to be better friends. I have a handful of amazing guy friends who have been there for me and haven't ever done me wrong (or if they have I got over it quickly). They're my boys! Sometimes they say stupid thing but I know that's just in their nature every now and again to have stupid moments. I can easily brush aside their sometimes harsh comments because that's who they are. Yet girls say things to intentionally be hurtful (I'm guilty of this too). I can't stand the drama that comes from having certain girlfriends. I can handle drama in small doses, but when you have a girlfriend who is addicted to it, it becomes a bit too much to handle. Boys are simpler and drama-free. So there you have it; boys are better!
  

I'll Miss You

   So most people know that Tyler and I are no longer Tyler and I anymore. Its nothing either of us did in particular but we just grew apart over time. I know people are probably expecting this blog to be about who hurt who, what happened, or if we're going to be friends...but I'm not doing that. I'm not posting the typical break-up blog that everyone seems to do. Instead I want to do a reflection of the past 3 years and send a message to family.
   We didn't exactly have the best of beginnings. Again not going into too much detail we almost didn't make it past the first 3 months. However, no matter the obstacles that were in our way, we found our way through the chaos and built a relationship. The first year was great. He went to my family reunion for the first time and I went to Lagoon with his family. There were plenty of activities on both sides to take part of. Sometimes certain people made it hard to enjoy ourselves and each others company but we managed. Second year was good too. He moved in to my parents' house with me. We supported each other in so much and we experienced a relationship of living in each others presence. Third year was stressful. I was dealing with the battle between my parents and Worker's Comp and he was attending school while working. Overall I think we had a great relationship. He was always kind and loving even at times I didn't deserve it. I will always think fondly of him and what we had. I hope to remain friends.
   Through this whole thing I've worried what each family will think of me. I've come to a point now where I don't lose sleep over it. If some choose to think poorly of me, so be it. Yes I initiated this but that doesn't make me a horrible person. I've already had a conversation with his step-mother. She made me feel so much better. I love her very much and I will miss her and not being able to see her as often. Thank you Gail. His dad's family has made me feel so welcome over the past 3 years that I really felt like they were my second family. I was always eager to see them and go to functions with them. I hope I still remain welcome at those functions (with Tyler's permission of course). They will always remain close to my heart.
   I know that his mother and I haven't seen eye to eye on more than one occasion but I will also miss her. Her and her family have shown me such great hospitality. The parties and gatherings were always fun. The jokes and humorous incidents that occured will always stay with me. So many of them reminded me of members of my own family. One uncle reminded me of one of my own uncles that can always make me laugh, and one aunt reminded me of my sister. Their warmth toward me will not be forgotten.
   But most of all I will miss Tyler. I will give him as much time and space as he needs but I hope to always have him in my life. I will miss seeing his grumpy face in the mornings and his ability to make me smile even at my worst of times. He has been my best friend for 3 years and I hope it doesn't stop here. I still care deeply for him and I always will. I will always keep the memory of him close to my heart and love him as long as he allows me to. I hope the pain subsides and life will get better for the both of us.

Experimenting with my mobile Blogger!

I've Built My Life

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. I don't know what most consider a normal childhood for the majority of households have shifted from having both parents to having separated or divorced parents. I do know that my childhood wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I shared common sibling rivalries with my older brother and sister, I had both my parents, we were penny pinchers to the extreme, and for a good portion of my childhood we lived in a duplex in downtown Salt Lake. I think I had a pretty good childhood. The only thing I hated was the constant bickering between my siblings and I but even that is fading in my memory. I only remember the big things like being convinced I was adopted because I had blonde hair, being pushed off the bunk bed, eating soap because I was convinced it was white chocolate, and my bathrobe being set on fire, but what do you expect? I am 4 and 6 years younger than them; To them I was intruding. However I can't complain too loud about those things because I don't think I would be as much of a Daddy's Girl as I am without it.

I love my brother and sister very much. I've become more close to them than I ever thought I would when I was little. I always have fun gossiping or joking around with my sister. Her husband is a great brother-in-law too. He has become like a great reliable big brother. Her kids are the best! I love those two munchkins. Lately I've been seeing a lot of Ty Lynn's features in them and it just makes me smile. Its like seeing the little girl I grew up with that I secretly idealized. Its true, I looked up to my sister so much. She was funny, pretty, sporty, and fun to be around yet I never let anyone see how much I wanted to be like her. One year at girl's camp we were on a hike. We were told this hike was only supposed to be about 4 miles and once we passed the 2 mile mark and people started turning back. We didn't want to just turn back so we kept going. Well, I've always had problems with my knees and ankles, they're just not made for hiking (even though I love it). So about an hour later my legs started hurting and I started crying from the pain, I just wanted to head back to the camp. Ty Lynn wrapped her arm around me and told me that whenever I needed to stop she'd stop with me even if the rest wouldn't. She's a great big sister.

My brother, on the other hand, loved to tease. It was a gift he inherited from our mother. He would tease us until we cried. He has kind of  grown out of it but if he wasn't always teasing me I'd think something is wrong. He has always been a good big brother though. My birthdays haven't gone smoothly for a few years but the one that has stuck out to me the most is my 16th. Lee took me to see AVP and then to Wendy's for my birthday. As we were eating our dinner he said "Haha, now you can tell all your friends your first date was with your big brother." I don't know if he remembers that but I knew it was his teasing way of saying "Happy Birthday" and "I Love You." I do, however, enjoy reading the quirky phrases and jokes seen on Lee's shirts when he comes to visit (my favorite is still the pot and the kettle). They always make me laugh. I sometimes find myself complaining about my siblings bad habits but I couldn't imagine any better brother or sister.

My parents have been great to me my whole life. I couldn't have asked for better parents. I know people are always saying they have the best mom or dad in the world but I don't say that. I say I have the best parents in the world for me. I know I was meant to be in their family. Whenever my brother and sister would pick on me they knew exactly what to say to make me feel better but not hate my siblings. They never allowed name calling and they made a great home for us. We didn't have much money growing up. Candy bars were a rare gift and family dinners, movies, or vacations were few and far between (If not non-existent) but they always made life interesting for us. Since we didn't have much money for family days we'd go to the pound and look at the dogs and cats. I remember walking to the Library or the DI with Mom a few times. What I really remember about those walks was when I was learning my numbers Mom would have me read of the numbers on the houses. Its amazing how creative my parents got with keeping us all entertained. Mom made us paper-dolls and since we didn't have money to buy barbie clothes she made some. I remember when I was in Kindergarten I had to go home earlier than my brother and sister so it was just me and Mom. She taught me how to make Mac and Cheese (my favorite at the time) and when the News at noon was over she would take a nap and I'd play Dr. Mario. I had some pretty fun times with my mom.

Its no secret that I'm a Daddy's Girl. He wasn't just my dad, he was my best friend and my hero. Even now he is still my hero. He was and will continue to be the most amazing person to me. He was always a yellow. Yellow's are happy, smiley, glass half-full kind of people. That was my dad. Some of my greatest memories growing up was with my dad. I loved the shoulder rides, the semi-rough housing, doing his hair in my little barrettes, and him singing a song to me before going to sleep every night, just to name a few.  Later on, after we had moved, he decided to go back to school so he could finally leave masonry. At one point he was juggling work, school, and his family and yet he always had time for us. His fall was crippling to our family at first but we've actually grown stronger from it. At the moment I have to stick around and live with my parents to help him out but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I would do anything for my dad and it will always be that way. He may not be as strong or as capable as he used to be but to me he will always be my hero.

This is how I've built my life; Through my amazing family.

Addicted to Myself?

I was talking to someone a while ago who asked me if they could define depression as an addiction to one's self. In some circumstances I totally agree with that sentence. Some people choose to be unhappy and depressed for the attention. I will even go as far as to say that this is the case in most depression cases, but I refuse to believe I'm addicted to myself.

Now I'm not saying that I am not choosing to feel this way. That's a lie, everyone chooses to feel a particular way to every occurrence in their lives, but I most certainly don't use it to make people feel sorry for me. I've never asked for anyone's pity and I've never used it as an excuse for anything. I was so angry when this person said this to me. I knew right then that they didn't understand me or how I was feeling. They've obviously never been depressed before...Not that I'd wish that upon them but they couldn't possibly understand.

From the time I was 12 to the age I am now I have experienced more than your average 20-year-old. When I was 12 (on Mother's Day no less) my mother got terribly sick and was admitted to the hospital where they ran every test they could think of on her. Everything came back negative. As I remember it, they ran one more test for cancer. That came back negative as well but ever since that year my mom's health mysteriously plummeted. She went through about 5 surgeries in 4 years??? I'm not sure I'd have to ask my parents but I just remember my mom being in and out of the hospital all the time. When I was in 7th grade I missed 3 months of school because I had Labrynthitis. I don't know how I made it through Junior High but I did. Then High school....Oh boy was that hell. My Sophomore year in December my dad fell 20 feet off of scaffolding. His health has been critical as well. My parents were in and out of hospitals my whole High School career. My dad was even in the hospital on my birthday in 2006. I ended up missing tons of school to be with them. The result of that is no graduation. I did end up waiting about a year before going to Horizonte to get my diploma because I had a serious grudge against Highland at the time...It took me 2 weeks to get my diploma. Also over those 4 years I made new friends, my sister had 2 kids, I was in the orchestra pit for 2 musicals, I was cutting myself, I stopped going to church, I tried to OD, and I was involved in 2 love triangles. Life was definitely crazy. Most of what I endured that has caused me to feel depressed was uncontrollable to me. Most people bring it upon themselves.


Considering all of that I think I handled it all pretty well (minus the cutting myself and ER visit). I've become a far more positive person than I ever thought I could be. That doesn't mean I'm not going to struggle with depression still. My depression isn't an addiction, its an outcome. I would LOVE to see someone go through parents in and out of hospitals, family moving out and away, getting their heart crushed in 2 love messes and not come out of that with depression. I am NOT addicted to myself.

She'll be three!

   Today I had an extravaganza with the cutest little girl I've ever seen...My niece. Her birthday is in April but I decided to do a day for just me and her. I can't believe she'll be three!
  
   First, we went to Discovery Gateway for about an hour and a half. She had a great time playing in the little ball play area and with the little toy bikes and cars the kids could ride in. I had my sister's camera with me to take tons of pictures but the batteries died right as I put the film in (I know, I know, I need to go digital). After that we went to Gymboree to get her some cool new sunglasses (because I was wearing mine). She was SO excited about going somewhere to get shoes! She's such a little diva. We went to Smith's Marketplace and got her a new skirt, shirt, and shoes. We decided that we needed to get Dylan a toy too so we got him an Iron man toy and Vangie got a Dora the Explorer phone. We met up with Dylan, Grandma, Grandpa, and Tyler at McDonald's so the kids could eat and play together before we went to our last (and spontaneous) stop of the day. We dropped Dylan back off at home and went to Cookie Cutters. We had them trim a little hair off the ends and give her some bangs (so her hair isn't always in her face) and got her a manicure. We had a great time!

   I love spending time with my niece and nephew. I especially love knowing how much they love me. I feel so great knowing that they get excited to see me. I love that they run at me every time I come to see them. I enjoy seeing them smile from ear to ear after I've done something nice for them. Every time I bought Vangie something today she always said thank you. I love that she's my little clone. Everything I do she does, and everything I say she says. Just like the sunglasses. I put my sunglasses on so she had to. Its so cute! I love how possessive they are of me. They don't like sharing their Aunt Kyla with anyone else. It makes me smile.  I guess I just feel bad that other people don't give them the attention or love they deserve. They are often over-looked and not thought about by people that should be thinking about them and caring about them. I don't understand how anyone could treat them the way that others have. I can't stand how unfair others are to them. It makes me so angry that others place them last in their lives...I guess I'm just an awesome aunt. I know I am because I'm their favorite :D I love MY niece and nephew.

I am Nava

   The past couple of months have had a lot of good times and hard times, but at this moment I can look back on these past months and honestly say the good outweighs the bad by far. Not many people can say that after having weeks of unchanging stress and frustration but what made those months bearable is being a part of the production that we put on last night. My stake relief society president, Mariana, called me in December saying that she knew I played piano but didn't know if I sang. Of course not thinking about it I said yes. She told me that in March she was putting on a play of the 10 Virgins and would like me to take a roll in the production. I told her I was an alto and that I would love to prepare for the roll she would provide for me. A few minutes after hanging up I started to feel panic and a little bit of regret. I've never been on a stage delivering lines and singing solos to an audience before. What did I get myself into!?

   After receiving a CD with songs from the production on it and my own music, I got a call from Laurie, our director, that we were going to have our first practice to learn our parts a little bit. The first time meeting the other women in the production was a little awkward to me. I didn't really know any of them and didn't know how to connect, but as we came to practice with one another more and more over the next couple of months I really started growing closer to these women. They always made me leave practice laughing or with a smile on my face. Finally it came time to get props, costumes, etc... and panic really started to sink in. I didn't have my lines or my song memorized! But somehow they all seemed to make me feel that I would be great and just to pray; things will come to you as you diligently prepare (One of my lines).

   With each passing practice I began to feel closer and closer to my character. She knows that there are greater and more important things in life, she's just a little absent minded. She would have brought the oil if she would've taken the time to think it through first. As I fell more and more into my character and see the others come to life as well I really did start feeling that these women were my sisters. I cried at Jessa's song. The way Shirley sang and put her heart into each word, moved me very much. I was really happy to be picked to be a part of this production.

   As dress rehearsal came and went the pressures of the larger performance seemed to pile on. Everyone was nervous and we had touch-ups to make. I think we were all ready for it to be over. So when the night of the performance came we all sang greater than I've heard us all sing before. We all had more feeling behind our lines and I could tell the audience was feeling the sincerity that we had displayed. As the performance came to a close we were all relieved, yet sad at the same time. We wanted to continue to see each of us and bond with one another as we had over the past couple of months. I know that I can't stop thinking about how well we did; the songs are still stuck in my head. I felt overwhelmed with joy, that I had 12+ new friendships from something that I thought I would regret. Looking back on it now I could never regret being in that production and getting to know such wonderful women. Thank you Laurie and Mariana!
  

New Hair

So I've been getting kinda bored with my hair lately and the last time my hair was it's natural color I was 10 so I decided it would be a GREAT idea if I bleached it. So I had Ty Lynn come over Sunday after church and bleach my hair. Silly me without thinking about it I had her do everything from the roots down...Yeah, I shouldn't have had her do the roots. This is the result we got:

 

As I was drying my hair I felt that I looked like Leeloo from The Fifth Element...

 

but then later that night I started playing around with my hair and decided that, yeah it may be a bit outrageous right now but I think I could get used to it! I even found a way to make it look super cute on me :)

 

This is just how it looks on top. Bright blond roots with orange hair!