When Life Seems to Pile it on...

It is official, I hate Worker's comp. They're a bunch total and complete assholes. Yes I know they've paid a lot of our medical bills but that doesn't amount to what they're doing to us now. They're not concerned with Dad's well being, they're concerned about saving maybe a few thousand dollars. They keep saying that we have no case and making us jump through loop after loop. We know we have a case, and we've jumped through every hoop they've thrown at us. We went to one of their recommended lung specialists and he said that Dad shouldn't be working. He recommended to not pursue permanent/total disability but to be on total disability til he can maintain a healthy weight. He said Dad's weight is SECONDARY to the accident for his breathing problem. WCF said they don't understand his report and said "it sounds like its his weight" that's the problem...NO, its SECONDARY!!! They're incompetent and arrogant if they can't even read their OWN doctor's report!

I sprained my ankle for the second time in about a month. It wasn't excruciating but it was very painful. My ankle hadn't completely healed in the first place. I haven't had a problem walking on it too much but I walked about 4 blocks yesterday and felt that I just couldn't walk anymore. It looks like I've got a boulder in the side of my foot. Its so irritating for me that I keep having all these accidents. It seems like everyday I've done something stupid and unintentional to hurt myself.

Lately I've felt extremely over-whelmed. Tyler is stressed about work and school, we're stretching this pay check to the extreme, we've got a new dog, and everything seems to plop onto my shoulders and nest there till I can't take it anymore. I feel emotionally and physically drained. I've been having several mental battles in my head and no matter what I do I can't come to a conclusion about anything. The worst is when all I can do is wait and see. I've always hated getting that answer, no matter what it is referring to. Wait and see; What if I can't? What if I don't want to?

I guess life is always trying to teach us a lesson. Some believe its God trying to teach us a particular vertue and others believe its a cosmic force like the universe or fate. All I know is that my lessons right now are: 1. Chill out, and 2. Patience. Whatever it is that's trying to teach me a lesson sure knows how to get the message across.

The Past

I'm generally not the kind of person who worries about the past. I tend to be sad about things for a couple days (sometimes a week at the most) and move on. Somethings are harder to let go of like my dad's accident or my mom's cancer scare. Sometimes its good to just take a glimpse into the past and see things I might not have seen before.

I was looking through my E-mails and came across many E-mails from a couple of friends and noticed how civil we were with each other even when we didn't want to be. There were E-mails saying things about how hurt one person felt about things that another person said behind their back. There was no need for vulgarity or inconsideration. We were always keen to say something like, "I felt angry/hurt/sad when you did...." and we'd apologize and move on. Why have I just barely noticed how good I was with handling disagreements and what happened to that skill?

I haven't recently been in a particularly bad arguement but sometimes the thoughts from a previous arguement still linger. Ok, maybe its a particular person and a a fight or two we've had that still lingers but I think it lingers because I never got an apology from them. I'd always give up and apologize because I had to come to the realization that they just weren't going to see my point of view or validate my opinion yet they never once apologized to me... I wasn't as civil with these arguements because they were never considerate of me or my opinion. I guess it come back to the golden rule, do unto others as you would have others do to you. I treated them with the same respect and consideration as they gave me. I've had other arguements with various people and never really resolved our situations, yet these arguements and problems don't linger. I know why this is. Its because I have cut off those other people. I don't need them in my life and I refuse to have someone in my life that treats me with such disrepect. However, I cannot cut off this person, I see them far too often and have a connection that requires me to be civil and respectful of them. So why can't they just apologize to me for hurting my feelings and disrespecting my opinion as I have done a number of times for them? They don't have to say I'm right or that my opinion is better, all that would be sufficient is to apologize and agree that we have different point of views. Why is that so hard?

I guess when I look back in the past I'm not really looking for anything but everytime I read back in my journal or my e-mails I find something that interests me or surprises me. Sometimes the new discovery is about myself and other times its a surprise I get from someone else. I guess looking back in the past isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes the past puts the present into perspective and gives you an idea of what you want for the future.

Just Some Thoughts

Like everyone else on this planet I have arguements with people. Sometimes they're minor fights and sometimes they're fights that damage a relationship. Sometimes I look back in my inbox and find those fights (Because I don't usually have verbal fights) and an assortment of feelings go through me. Sometimes I wish I had been more forceful while other times I wish I hadn't said some of the things I did.


Well today I happened to come across one of the many fights I've had with a certain person whom I've severed ties with. Our most recent fight gives me different kind of feeling than what most of the others do. I feel a sense of satisfaction and closer. Its one of very few arguements I can look back on and think that I said exactly what needed to be said. I felt like I was right. I had apologize yet she did not accept it so I cut bait and now feel that its her loss not mine. I'm a damn good friend and I know it. It may sound conceded but anyone who calls themselves my friend would agree with me.

Other arguements I look back on and wish I had said something more, something to really explain my feelings and help the other person acknowledge that this is how I feel and you should respect that. Sometimes I let people walk all over me. Its a good nature quality I get from my dad. We're too nice, even to people who don't deserve it. The person I've had these arguements with doesn't really enjoy my presence or really calls me a friend or family, yet we still remain civil. I don't know how to help this person like me more. I try with great efforts to help them see the good person and friend I am yet I just don't feel like they really care to have me around. Some days it makes me cry because I can't help but feel that if this person were to never see me again they wouldn't have a single complaint about it. I am constantly helping this person, doing them favors, and putting great efforts into having a good relationship with them yet I don't see the same in return.

I never say I regret anything in my life. Sometimes I feel like some tradedies and accidents in my life wouldn't have happened but if they hadn't I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. If I ever regret a fight I apologize and hope that other person forgives me. If tey don't I can't say I regret that arguement because I tried making it better. Regrets are not part of my life. Its a wasted emotion. You can't change what has already happened so let go of it and move on.

Annoying Things

Basically this blog is about inconsiderate and immature people.

First: People who have nothing better to do with their lives than to TRY to make me jealous, mad, upset, or they're just trying to get a reaction out of me. We're not in high school anymore, stop acting like that's where you belong. If you have nothing better to do than to TRY and make me feel those things and spread rumors (most of them likely untrue) about me then you are far too immature for me to even care about. If I have a problem with you, I'm more likely to say it to your face or hide my feelings in a personal blog/note that only I can see. If we have mutual friends, I don't play tug of war with them. They can be friends with you all they want, I don't spread rumors.

Second: People who think I don't treat my boyfriend right. We've been together for a little over 2 1/2 years now, if I didn't treat him well do you really think he'd still be with me? Or that I would still be with him? I treat everyone with the respect they deserve. Tyler treats me incredibly well therefore I return that behavior. I listen to his problems, support his goals in life, appreciate that he's in school and help him with as much as I can. I DO treat my boyfriend well so don't think he can't "put up with me" or stand our relationship.

Third: People who lie to me. If there's one type of person I had to choose is the worst of the worst is the liar. Especially when its friends who lie. Telling me you'd rather be alone at the moment and then go off with a heard of other friends is totally unacceptable in the friendship handbook. Another situation is planning to hang out with me and blowing me off with excuses of "I forgot" or "I just got busy all of a sudden" is totally not ok. You've already made an agenda with me in it, stick to it. I have ditched the worst friend offender I've encountered in my day, don't make me do it to you too.

Fourth: People who think they deserve respect by authority. Like I said before, I treat everyone with the respect I feel they deserve. I determine this respect by how you treat me. Respect isn't something you get just because you're a parent, older sister/brother, aunt/uncle, or even a grandparent. You have to earn it from me. I'm not going to dispose of my good nature to someone who rarely shows me the same.

Fifth: People who think I enjoy drama. I don't, I hate it. I have accepted that any negative emotion that is generated in my thoughts and feelings is generated by me and me only. I know that I choose to be unhappy with certain events or actions. I know that this blog is due to my own feelings. No one can inflict you with a negative feeling. It is your choice. I acknowledge this but to assume that I like feeling this way is wrong. I think that these realizations of feelings is a pretty great triumph on my part considering everything I have encountered in my life. Not saying I've had the worst life on the planet but I know most 20-year-olds haven't encountered the problems I have. The problems in which I refer is my parents. They're not in the best of health and since I was 12 I've had to deal with the constant doctor's visits and surgeries my mother has had to endure and we all know my dad fell 20 ft but what most peope don't realize is I was only 16 and a sophmore in high school. I've got better and more important things to worry about in my life than drama. I don't need it; I don't want it. My status updates on facebook are of my own feelings. You don't know what's happened to make me feel that way, so don't automatically assume its because of some stupid fight I've had with somone else. Most times its far more personal than that.

So for future reference don't do any of these things or you'll end up on my list :P

Dreams

Lately I've been having lots of terrible dreams and I can remember most of them. I know in all of my dreams I am struggling. Most of the time its a struggle to help or save someone, sometimes its myself. Most of the time its my dad that is grave peril and I cannot get to him. Sometimes I depict him as the dad I knew before the accident. I think those dreams break my heart the most. Before the accident he was a tough man who rarely needed help, let alone saving. Its almost like I'm trying to stop the accident from happening but I fail every time. Its like I have PTSD but nothing has really happened to me to cause such a disorder.

Whenever I hear one of my parents re-tell the story of his accident and all surgeries/medical problems that followed I see in my mind what I think the fall looked like from an eagle eye point of view. When he fell there were two men closest to him; his boss and a fellow brick layer. When I picture his fall in my head, its like I'm seeing it threw their eyes. I'm helpless yet I try my best to catch him and rush down the scaffolding to aid him but there is nothing I can do. No my dreams aren't like this but my DAY dreams are. Most of my night dreams I'm trying to save him from a falling cliff, car accident, etc...

I do have dreams about other people. Such as saving someone or fighting with someone. Always, its a struggle. In recent dreams I was fighting with my mom (not completely unusual) and I flee from the house never to return yet I'm torn because I still want to see my dad. Another dream (which is one of the worst) my niece and nephew were kidnapped while I was taking them somewhere like the zoo or park. I would run after them until the man would stop in the middle of the street and allow himself (with children in hand) to be hit by a massive vehicle like a bus or semi. There's more terrifying dreams dealing with them or a baby but I can't bring myself to put them down to words.

I really would like to know what the struggles mean. A lot of struggles deal with a certain person I can't seem to ever see eye to eye with. Maybe that's because I'm still struggling with her and somethings she does that make me upset or hurt me. Maybe its because I wish she would realize the things she does to hurts me. My dreams may be a display of my feelings that I feel I can't show or tell anyone. Some of my dreams deal with actual occurrences such as the accident or the way I'm treated by certain people. I just hate waking up in the morning to tears in my eyes and an upset stomach...