Its about 2 AM and I'm wide awake. I've been thinking a lot about the changes I've encountered in the past couple of months. I'm single, I've lost weight, gained amazing friends (and interests), etc.. If I look back on the last 4 months I see a particular dark patch in my life, yet I have had the time of my life. Maybe I'm getting over it all or maybe I'm just shoving it to the back of my mind like most problems but right now I'm pretty damn happy.
I've come to realize how strong I really am. I think this year has proven that I'm an emotional viking. I may have episodes but I know I have to seek help (and tried before I had any sort of episode). That's an amazing achievement in itself. I know I need help and I can't expect it from my friends or family. I am exhausted right now but I think in about a week or two (hell maybe a couple of days) I can be able to slow down and breathe again. I'm already starting to feel like I can be my normal cheerful self again. I can finally snap out of it. I don't feel like crying all the time. I can take a particularly good moment or happy thought and cling onto it instead of instantly having it flee my mind as fast as it entered my line of thought. I may have some lingering feelings of all sorts but that's to be expected in my situation.
I've sort of been jotting down this list of reasons in my head. Reasons why I'm scared, depressed, happy... Scared because I don't want to put my guard down just yet (to anyone), depressed because of how this has all turned out, and happy because of my friends, our parties, my family, but most of all myself. I think its safe to say through the anger, frustration, sadness, and depression the good finally outweighs the bad. I've gained a kind of confidence that I've never known before. I have said things, done things, and thought things I would have never done before because I've lacked this confidence in myself. I've taken charge of what I want and gone after it. Maybe my life isn't perfect right now but its what I want. For once I want what I already have.
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